February 6th, 2012


Week 012: Crests and troughs

Holy shit emotional rollercoaster. So I'm experiencing some life-event shit again, and I've had a number of significant life-events in recent memory against which to compare them. Big-Picture-wise? It's nothing. The petty trivialities I'm stressing over are barely ripples in the pond. But my reaction to them? INTENSE. I haven't felt this gut-wrenched and fucked up since high school. Which is kinda an appropriate metaphor, I guess, me currently enjoying the bright dawn of womanhood.

I knew emotions were COMING. I'd hoped that I'd be able to cry a lot and be, y'know, expressive. I am not. What I AM is irrational. It's interesting to try to look at it intellectually. I've been physically incapable of shutting up my shoulder-devil. Bad, unproductive poisonous thoughts just insist on bombarding me. It's something I don't have a lot of preparation for.

And then, I'm up. Right now, I'm neutral, leaning towards happy. It's been a good day. But this weekend, I was above up. Now, I had just downed a large coffee, so I'm suspecting that some of this is my reaction to caffeine... But I couldn't contain my joy. Felt like five christmases. I just got back from spending three days at Disneyworld and I haven't been more out-of-my-mind happy than I was sitting in my living room. It was really super-weird to experience. I couldn't contain it. It was like every "joy" receptor I posessed firing in tandem.

For now, I'm gonna jus' go easy on the caffeine. If my current hormone/physiology makes Caffeine a Euphoric for me, that's something that I should keep under my hat for when I can put it to good use!

Changes: Aside from mood? I think the softer, thinner skin thing is in effect. I abraded my forehead from scrubbing in the bathtub to the point where it bled. Haven't had that happen before.

I've felt an ache or two in the chest... occasional faint soreness with the nipples... But Fuck you, body. I will not be teased. You plan to show me some results, you come correct. I want Mary herself handing me doves, not some blob in a piece of toast.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine today about Transgendered folks. He was goin' on about how our gender concepts are so screwy and it's easy to fall victim to body image shit and gender pressures. He was raising the point "Transfolks pin ALL their hopes on the magical transformation they'll get out of hormones, and it's scary. What happens if everything isn't magically the way you want it and now you've gone down this path?" etc. It's a good enough concept, and I think that any convictions should be exposed to (and withstand) scrutiny. But in my thinking about my transition and what I want out of it, I'm not worried about whether I'll get things to turn out the way I want. They already have, because I've begun. Now I'm just letting the cards fall where they may. And I don't think I'm alone in that; I've heard lotsa transfolks say that the day they began medicating, they experienced an intense relief. Maybe I'll never pass. Maybe I'll never be pretty. Maybe I'm permanently transforming myself into a creature that has no place in society, and whatever other negative downsides one can imagine. But at least I'm doing it on my terms. Finding ones own answers is a goddamn rewarding pursuit.
  • Current Music
    Neko Case - This Tornado Loves You