February 20th, 2012


Week 14: The Face of God

Breast Development: Official. I'm not seein' any visible change, but it's real. One-a the signs of breast growth in FtM transsexuals (aside from achin' and itchin') are golf-ball sized masses of dense tissue you can feel growin' behind the nipples. They're the kinda thing you'd be terrified to notice if you weren't takin' a lot of pills for the express purpose of makin' 'em happen. I thought they might have been coming in last week, And I've officially got 'em. I think it's the ductile tissue gettin' itself all set up before all the breast tissue fills in. At any rate, it's definitely happening. And that's awesome.

Emotions: Still insane. I had a bit of a breakthrough the other day that started with a dream. In the dream, a co-worker of mine and I were conversing, and he used the sentence "I'm not an especially spiritual person. I masturbate, so I've seen the face of God." I thought it was kinda funny and remembered it clearly for that, but it also made me feel kinda wretched. See, he said that line because I DON'T masturbate any more, or at least not with my pre-transition frequency. He was almost gloating, as if to say that I (in some probably blasphemous sense) have turned my back on my God. And THAT is what shook me. I've been a total sex-pest since puberty. Sex is a pretty big part of my self-identity. I'd masturbate two, three times a day pre-transition. EVERY DAY. And now, I haven't masturbated in a week. Thing is, I miss it. That's what's fucking me up and that's why the dream messed with me. I LIKED being a constant hornball. And I know it wasn't healthy for maintaining a monogamous relationship, and I KNEW that sex-drive tanking was something that I could expect from the meds. I guess I was just surprised to find out what it was actually like.

When you dedicate yourself to HUGE, permanent changes (physiological or otherwise), you (presumably) want to do the responsible thing. You do homework. You talk to folks. You try to prepare for all the possible eventualities. You do a cost/benefit analysis and then you make your decision. I KNOW I want this. I understand the price and I understand the price of the alternative. It's just that... when you're IN it... things are new again. There's still room for surprises. And that really unsettled me. I guess I presumed I could handle everything and that it'd all be cool. Turns out you don't really know WHAT you can handle 'till you're handling it. I still want this. I'm still moving forward. I'm just growing to appreciate that the ramifications are more complex than I had originally thought. There are going to be things I miss. That's okay.

So after having that dream, my day was weird and unsettling. While inhabiting that unsettled headspace, some dumb shit came up at work (which is already a helluva stresspot), and I broke. It was close to the end of my day, but I was completely worthless. I burned about 2 hours doing 15 minutes' worth of work. I was shaking. Flipping the fuck OUT. My sweetie-pie came an' got me because I had gone too late to catch the bus, and as soon as I got home, she and I started fighting. I was insufferable, I know. Goddamn trainwreck. Then I started crying.

I haven't cried since high school. And this fuckin' made up for it. I just bawled uncontrollably for like, 15 minutes easy. I couldn't put sentences together. I couldn't do anything. But I was SO GLAD it was happening. Crying is progress. It means something's changing. It was an explosion of catharsis that completely dissolved all the horrible trivial drama that was consuming me (well, most of it, anyway). I apologised copiously to my sweetie-pie and assured her I'm not gonna be a fuckin' teenaged girl forever.

What I've gotten from all of this: My body is different now. I'm going to feel differently with old stimuli. This is okay. I prepared for this. My emotions aren't something I need to fight. They're something I need to listen to and work with. Part of what's gettin' me so worked up is the fact that I'm shocked by my reactions to things. I KNEW my emotions were gonna go crazy. I didn't know what that was gonna FEEL like. <=)

Hopfully this blowout won't need to be repeated, and I'll be better prepared for the dumb shit my body's gonna throw at me.

Teenage girls, man. AMIRITE

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