March 5th, 2012


Week 16: Baggage and where I'm going with it

Talking to my folks this weekend, I felt kinda weird not having come out to 'em. I think I'm just SO used to being open and honest and upfront and heart-on-my-sleeve that it's jarring to be keeping a secret like this. I still know WHY I'm not talking to 'em about it, and I stand behind my original decision... I jus' don't like being evasive. I was talkin' about my moodswings, and when mom asked "Why're you having mood swings?" simply rolled out some old "It's a stressful time right now. There's a lot going on".

Which I presume Isn't UNTRUE, but still. Weird not telling folks that their son is working hard to be more duaghterly. They'll find out sometime.

I'm kind of scared to think about future stuff sometimes. This morning, I was checking out my boob progress (they're only noticeably bigger to me), and I thought of the idea of bra-shopping. Made me feel really uncomfortable. There's a lot about my transition that I feel kinda like I'm taking an easy way out with. I'm NOT changing my name. I'm not using a different bathroom... I'm not depending on being able to "pass". For whatever reason, that makes me feel WORSE about shoppin' for lady-clothes. I don't understand why, really. I didn't care when I was all boy and was jus' crossdressing. I think I'm kinda ashamed for feeling a bit like a tourist. Like, there are plenty of ladies who have this daily fucking struggle just to be who they are. And it's painful and they DON'T have support, and they do it anyway. Like I'm some privileged jerk trying to carry a "Tranny" card so's I can co-opt some kind of minority position.

I think I'm jus' guilty carrying on with male privilege while I'm trying SO hard to shed myself of the boy-elements I'm not comfortable with. I could also go on about how I feel like I CAN'T go more femme than I am because I'm too ugly to be a convincing lady. It's a weird feeling. 'Cuz there are PLENTY of boys who I totally adore and their masculinity doesn't turn me off.

Perhaps I'm jus' in a down-phase an' shouldn't be journaling. <=)

  • Current Music
    Pere Ubu - Wasted