April 2nd, 2012


Week 20 - Go Forth and Sin No More

So I felt Kinda shitty this week, talkin' to some folks about my transition... Firstly, I talk to EVERYONE about my transition, WAAY the fuck too much. I know I've groused about this before, but I need to keep reminding myself that this shit IS NOT INTERESTING to most folks. Even if it is, they ain't interested like I'm interested. Self-control means trying to find to talk about to people that the people around you might want to hear.

That being said, I now return to my Number one venue for talking about this shit away from other people.

Now where was I... FEELING BAD! So I had a co-worker tell me that the one thing he was uncomfortable with regarding my transition was my voice changing. He was saying that's the biggest thing that'll be super strange for him to deal with. So I told him how hard it is for Transladies to get their voices right and that "Magical Voice Change" is only available with the "Boy Puberty" package. Since I'm happy occupying the inbetween-space, I don't mind leaving my voice as-is. I don't really mind my voice. I've been ma'amed on the phone once or twice, but am just as frequently sirred. I think it's in a fine place and I'm comfortable with it. Likewise Pronouns. Had a dear friend tell me that the pronoun thing was the only adjustment he'd have trouble with, since he's imprinted on me with the "dudes" and the "hims" and whatnot. So in telling him that I'm totally cool with pronouns (Folks can use whatever they want with me... I'm comfortable with whatever and don't have a strong preference), the guilt of "cheating" with this whole trans business kinda got to me. Like, I've got my cake and am eating it too! Boy gets boobs? Don't have to "Pass" as a girl, won't get Male Pattern Baldness, Zero Testicular Cancer risk AND I get less body hair and a fat redistribution package? AWESOME. (Dear Body: Put all fat in girl-places now, kthx) I jus' felt shitty because I get all these great bonuses but don't have to suffer the HARDSHIPS that so many transladies have to suffer. I don't USE lady bathrooms, y'know? I've gotta deal with dudes givin' me the fisheye if I'm dressed femmy, but It hasn't really interfered with my LIFE. My co-workers accept me... It's some of the guilt I was whining about back at week 18. But my buddy who was patiently tolerating me yap about this business, shut my shit down cold. His take: "Did you need to transition?" And of course I did. Not doing so was destroying me. "Then I absolve you of all your transgressions. Be free of guilt". It was lovely. =D It's just privilege. I've got a lot of it. I've been very lucky.

Another thing I've got a lot of: BOOBS. Okay, not a LOT, but there's something There. Like, there's been something there for weeks, I suppose, but I'm SUPER SUPER conscious of my development. I don't know if you know the notion of "If boys had boobs, they'd play with them all the time" or not.. but I play with 'em a LOT. I mean, part of it is just familiarizing myself with the new shape. The way my arms move, the way clothes fit... everything's a bit different. But a small part of me jus' enjoys playin' with boobs. Nice that despite an ocean of sweeping changes, some dependable elements are constant. I am, after all, only MORE me through alla this. <=)

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    Bob Dylan - Idiot Wind