April 23rd, 2012

Hippo

Week 23: She's my husband

Emotions still up and down, but generally on the up, I think. I've determined that pot's helpful in diffusing bad-moods (the dreadful kind with no actual object to bring me down), but it might jus' be the thrill of the novel. I LOVES myself some novelty.

Urologist: Visit ain't 'till the 6th or so, so It's gonna be like, TWO updates before I have any news on the chop-'em-off-omy. LAEM

I think I adore my hair. It's kinda tied in with a general body/self image attitude these days, perhaps, but yeah. I'm jus' getting more and more happy with what I've got. Still wanna get more bangs goin' on, but the curling that once totally annoyed me is now something I play up. And it ain't JUST my hair! I'm pleased with my not-growing-fast-enough boobs, I don't feel as fat as I used to feel (and I'm SURE I'm only emplumpening)... It's kinda weird to see my self-image shift. As an interesting flip-side, I'm actually a little bummed out when folks use "Sir" and "Guy" and "Dude" and whatnot. Like, If I'm gonna exist in this ambiguous genderqueer space, I should TOTALLY accept the fact that folks cornered into picking a side are gonna pick one or the other... Jus' because I've taken pills for (almost) half a year doesn't mean there's not a LOT of pre-existing guy-tells to chose from. I think it's just the NEW-ness of it all. I wanna get wrapped up in this adventure and be all "Look, motherfucker, you're ALL coming along! Use the lady-words and nobody gets hurt!" Tho realistically, I need to recognize that A) passing is tough for ladies that ARE trying to go full-time (let alone stealth) with this stuff, and B) being both male and female means I take whatever pronouns I get. I exist within a society and not above it; wherever my interaction-partner wishes for me to fit (for the purposes of gendering at least), I want to be flexible to fit there for them. =) Still, I desperately long for some fantastic concept of ever hearing my sweetie-pie say "She's my husband". WAY too much to ask, especially this early in the process, but Goddamn that'd be amazing. I'm simultaneously happy just reading that and a little angry at myself for gettin' my hopes up an' putting her in an unfair spot. Also, I'll totally make that the title of this thing this week. But I guess that was the first thing anyone's gonna see about this entry. O WELL

On a note unrelated (OR IS IT) to my improved self-image: This morning, I was standing on the bus and a punk-lookin' dude said "There's a seat over here" next to him. So I thanked him an' sat down, etc. Later on, when there was a lady gettin' on (the bus bein' pretty packed at this point), the dude said to her "There's a seat you can sit in over there" pointing across from him. At this point his punk-lookin' buddy was riffin' on him sayin' "What are you, the assistant bus driver?" and he replied back "Only to the hot ladies... the cute ones" (I think he was trying to correct himself so's not to be offensive in public, but wasn't sure how to say it). It was super-nice, but since I was sitting RIGHT NEXT to him, I actually got a bit scared. Like I wanted to "correct" him to diffuse the situation? I DIDN'T do anything... I jus' sat there 'till it was get-up-and-go time... But yeah. It was simultaneously REALLY uplifting and a little scary. There are moments every now and then when I realize this shit's for real. If I'm gonna do this shit, I need to learn to LIVE as a lady the same as I'm used to livin' as a dude. I don't intend to actually MISLEAD anyone, but when you're used to a gender-binary kinda setup (as, y'know, most humans are), it's difficult to present as MYSELF and not be a little misleading. At the very least, I'm going to be generous about letting you have your assumptions.

Started my day off right, though, I don't mind tellin' ya. Wasn't wearing a dress or anything! I think it's the hair. =D

-343
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