April 30th, 2012


Week 24: 'twixt my nethers

Finally down to a couple days before I go in for the Urologist! Totally stoked. It's kinda a mixed bag, cuz I generally like my testicles. Sure, they make Testosterone and that's why they've gotta go, but they're FUN. I'm used to havin' them around, and Masturbating without 'em is gonna be strange. Originally, I'd hoped to have a Subcapsular done, hoping that I could keep sensitivity but not generate T? I don't know what my options will be. I mean, at the end of the day, I'm happy to lose the fuckers if that's my only option. I'll talk to the doc. IN A MATTER OF DAYS

Fuckin' sucks how expensive this shit's gonna be, but "elective" surgery is what it is. At least I can have it DONE. Lotta ladies in much less fortunate positions.

So, related to last week's update (and it's ESPECIALLY silly mentioning this after last week's title), me an' the misses had a long heavy talk about pronoun use an' what she's worried about and etc. A dear friend of ours had called me "she" (which felt like VICTORY, btdubs), and upon seeing that, my sweetie had more of the old fears bubble up about losing any boy in her boy/girl husband. The anecdote I wanted to mention was that she said she was afraid thet I'd one day refer to myself as her "Wife", and It was a terrifying notion to her. I assured her this (while simultaneously realizing/noticing it myself): I don't WANT to be her wife. Any lady-pronouns I take on, any feminine traits I embrace... I still very much see myself as a husband to her. And I WANT to be a husband to her. It's just, y'know. Ladies can be husbands too, is all I'm sayin'. And I mean, AGAIN, I don't plan on goin' full lady. I do my thing and that's what works. But y'know, that's her fear and it's hard to provide her any assurance that shit's not gonna change crazy-style. <=\ I'm tryin'. I think that insisting on "Husband" is helpful? Dunno.

Status of "This shit": Still Complicated.

It's interesting having my sweetie gone for the weekend. There was a time when having the house all to myself just meant constant baroque masturbatory rituals and this feeling of getting to explore being someone I want to be who's not quite who I am around her. This weekend, though, I WANTED her with me for everything I did. I did a BUNCH of stuff she wouldn't be interested in (and DID enjoy some self-pleasure, but with far fewer camera/costume/prop setups than previous endeavours), but I felt like the person I'm able to be around everyone is getting closer to the person I ordinarily am around her. This is kinda fudgey an' hard to explain. I understand there are elements of this "person I want to be" that alienate my sweetie and cause problems. But god DAMN if it doesn't feel amazing lately, and I think I'm on the right track.

If our relationship survives this nonsense, we'll be some happy motherfuckers.

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