May 14th, 2012

Hippo

Week 26: Sex: M (With a crudely scribbled / F )

Six Months down.

One quarter of my 2 Year Project burned through in a pretty neat clip. This right here? This irrevocable march of time? This is why I jus' wanted to get things STARTED.

This time last year I was wearing a hospital bracelet because I'd gone to the ER on one-a my first nights in my new house. Reckoned it'd be a nice symbol... something to take off once the new place was done. Now I have a hospital bracelet from my first visit with the psych doctor. I presume I'll take this off when I go in for my followup in a few days.

Psych visit! Ugh. I talk too much when I'm nervous. I handle the "I'm totally terrified and feel vulnerable" crap by acting TOTALLY self-assured and open. Except I probably come all the way back around by looking like a nervous chatterbox. I usually really ENJOY a chance to talk about myself (who doesn't?), but I feel kinda like my happiness is at stake here.

I FIERCELY guard and protect my happiness.

Thing is, I have NO idea what this doc is all about. What kinda info he's diggin' for, what kinda vetting he's doing. I mean, I presume that if I'm just honest and forthright with him, things will be okay. But I don't want OKAY. I'm not tryin' to be his buddy or appear charming or shit like that. I jus' want the orchi. Two more pills I have to take for the rest of my life and I'd just as soon get this thing out of the way. Am I behaving too flippantly? Am I coming across as a pervert doin' this for kicks? AM I ON DRUGS? Who knows what the doc thinks? I'm just scared an' I don't like it. Sweetie-pie's been a TOTAL gem through alla this, tho. Her take was "If they won't do it, sweetie, we'll find someone who will" which was wonderful to hear. I don't wanna do this without her, man. I'm tellin' ya.

Hopefully next week I'll be better prepared, and I'll have a clearer head. Minimize the blah-blah, only provide the information requested, etc. This shit better work.

I get depressed at 9:00 PM. Pretty much on the dot, and pretty much daily. Not sure what the shit that's all about. Hope it goes away. I've noticed it for about a week now. Shit can get bad, too. Real don't-wanna-do-anything, nothing brings me up low fuckin' feeling. Lame.

GENERALLY, tho, I've been Great! Upbeat, engaged, positive, hopeful. Much much less of the loneliness feeling I was getting before all this nonsense.

Still feel bad about not bein' out to my folks yet, tho. Gettin' to the point where I feel more like I'm hiding shit than not openly addressing stuff. I don't LIKE feeling closeted. Runs against my nature.

-343
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