June 4th, 2012


Week 29: Everything's Transitioning

Unemployment hours aren't as relaxing as I think they should be. Interestingly enough, I haven't cried over this studio shutdown. Sure, I've been INSANE depressed, but I haven't had one of those bawling weepy fits I had several months ago. I really do think I'm a more emotionally with-it person than I give myself credit for, hormones or no. I'm HOPING that my more irrational flip-out-and-bawl fits were a result of the hormones coming online and my system adjusting. I can be SAD, but I jus' wanna be more or less STABLE.

Doc's got me on cheaper meds on account of my insurance bein' suspended. Should be the same DOSAGE, just' like, four 50mg pills instead of two 100mg pills, stuff like that. Whatever we can do to keep this manageable. Thing that's interesting is thet I used to be on Propecia a while back, when I first started havin' my "HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY HAIR IS THINNING" panic attacks. That shit was like, more expensive than all my hormones put together, and all it was was a really mild anti-androgen. I mean, I GUESS dudes don't wanna lose sexual function an' grow tits, but it's weird how I can get meds that do a LOT MORE for less dough.

BIG PHARMA, amirite?

I was hoping I could get my Estrogen boosted, but changin' the dosage would require an office visit, I'm sure, and I've jus' gotta let the doctor do his doctorly things.

Friend of mine on th' twitters had a post about not wanting to feel sexy. I presume he meant "Horny" and is too nice to have phrased it that way, but it stuck in my craw. Feeling "Sexy" is a goddamn amazing state of affairs and is to be cherished. That's some self-esteem shit! I'm only BEGINNING to feel truly sexy for the first time EVER when I look at myself in th' mirror, and it's a wondrous thing to experience. Motherfucker coulda jus" written "Tired of bein' so happy all the time" and "Too self actualized! Wanna be a drone".

Someone had asked if my transgender status was gonna fuck with my job-hunt. Although I can't IMAGINE it would, it's one more thing to stress about. <=\ I'm already frustrated enough havin' to fill out insurance and unemployment and etc.and dealing with the M/F boxes. I think I had a form recently that listed the options as "Male / Female / N/A", and I ADORED that. It was probably for corporate entities or something, but YES PLEASE
  • Current Music
    Ben Folds - Alone Again