June 18th, 2012

Hippo

Week 31: Letting the time pass

First week of Eight Spiro pills/day instead of two. Kinda annoying, but much cheaper I guess. Really lookin' forward to gettin' healthcare back, but it's good perspective to imagine the folks who have circumstances intervene on their transition and completely prevent it. Guh.

I'm not suicidal, and I don't think my gender issues would ever make me so. But once I determined my path with this shit, heaven help anything that would stand in my way. If I weren't able to get hormones, I'm POSITIVE that I'd simply be unbearable. I'm GETTING my meds and I still think about this shit constantly. Every time I'm alone near a mirror I see how my shape's coming along, see how my chest looks when I pull back my shoulders, slouch, how this bra works with that shirt, etc. I get frustrated an' annoyed at everything moving forward slowly, but if it were moving backwards? Jesus. I wouldn't KILL myself... But castrating myself doesn't seem outta the picture. Man hope I can hurry an' Orchi up soon. One less thing to worry about.

So I don't know if bein' unemployed has anything to do with this or not... but holy SHIT have my moods been turboswing-y. Like, in the tub? Happy and content. Out the door heading to work? Starting to crash. Middle of the day? Feeling awesome. Back home? Feeling shitty. After dinner? Top of the world. I'm SURE my blood sugar's got SOMETHING to do with that, but man. It kinda sucks. I've never actually BEEN depressed before, not like this. Like, I've had shit bum me out before, but it's weird to feel this suffocating wave of apathy and despair jus' kinda take me. I know enough depressed folks to know I don't have shit to worry about, but the glimpse I've seen of it is no joke.

Desperately sad to even imagine my one close girl friend movin' away. We need to go have tea and cakes in froofy dresses! FOREVER

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-343
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