June 25th, 2012


Week 32: Whut'cha Want

Sex-Drive. It's reeeeaally strange watching how I've evolved. I was a little scared by a This American Life episode talking about Testosterone, which implied that if I cut out my T, I wouldn't be a passionate person. Since Passions govern my everything, that was one of the things I wanted to really watch out for in case I needed to scrap this whole transition altogether. Thankfully, I'm still deeply passionate (dur. There are plenny of passionate women)... but my passions are shifting. Art is still important to me as are my games, and getting into Pot has shown me that I can still WAY fixate on new-things to the point of excess. Interestingly enough, I'm still sex-obsessed, although it's coming from a very different place. I'm dying for AFFECTION all the time. I want to hug everyone and cuddle up close to the people I love. I'm still interested in all the kinky stuff I've ever been into, although I'm much less "I need to cum", mentality-wise. Orgasms don't control anything, and that's kinda the crux of my new perspective. I used to consider orgasms to be this almost narcotic high that I'd chase and try to get as often as possible. Now, it's aaaaall about the journey. Curiously, my orgasms have become MORE intense and protracted. Last one I had Kelli was a little worried I was going into seizure.

RELATED to the above (but still worth a paragraph break, I guess): I've noticed that I do these Full-body shudders now sometimes based off of certain stimuli. They kinda resemble shivering when they go on for a long time, and they're a little like my response to being tickled, except they're pleasurable. It's like some of the body's muscle-twitching when you have an orgasm, 'cept they don't require an orgasm. They jus' require touching. Sometimes I've set 'em off by THINKING about touching. They STARTED the third or fourth time I smoked pot (note the leitmotif here; I promise to stay on task and not get all weed-for-weed's sake on ya). I'm always a really tactile high and am awash in sense information ANYWAY, but this twitching business has started and now a smoking session is kinda like having sex for three hours. Well, no, it's kinda like a very low-volume orgasm being continuously erupting for three hours. THAT is why I'm such a pot-advocate these-days. I need to be better about not shakin' the couch and creeping out my buddies if I'm gonna be getting high with them. SO what's INTERESTING (to me) is that this twitching hypersensitive behaviour started when I was high, but now can just be triggered. Sometimes even THINKING about touching ticklish/erogenous parts can render actual physical shivers. It's really weird. They're all GOOD things, and I really enjoy them b/c I associate that kind of movement with orgasm, but I'm not used to being able to trigger mini-orgasms just by THINKING about my feet getting touched, for example.

Now, I don't think the above is Hormone-related, but it's interesting how it's independent of narcotic intake now (tho under narcotic influence, it's pretty much perpetual). My boobs especially trigger this feeling, and this is why all of this gets mentioned here in th' transition journal. I've HEARD of boobs-only orgasms before, but couldn't imagine what they'd be like. I'm... kinda starting to get the picture. Really interested to see where this goes. MOAR EXPERIMENTS NEEDED. Gotsta do my science.

On the boob front, My growth has stalled out for the time being... I understand it's s'posed to go in phases and that it's not all jus' steady growth, but it sucks for them to not even be hurting, 'cuz y'know. I AM on a limited timeline, and they're not really quite close to the size I'm hoping for. And I mean, I know I'm only about seven months in, but bewbs.

Related(ish): No outing to my parents. They're still HERE, so we'll see how things go, but it's jus' not a boat I feel the need to rock right now, 'specially for my sweetie-pie's sake. I was HOPING my tits would be big enough to force the issue, or that my haircut would be unambiguously femme, or the nail polish would finally clue them in to somethin' going on, but they've SEEN me with poochy tits (mebbie I'm gaining weight), long hair, and painted nails. I've acclimated them so gradually, all of this is jus' par for the course. And that's GOOD, but I don't like hearin' "son" out of them. And I don't like "He" and "Him". I don't mind that from strangers an' folks who don't know me really well, but if my parents are gonna address me, I've got preferences. I jus' need to guts-up and lay it all down for 'em, but I don't wanna ruin my sweetiepie's birthday. One-a these days they'll learn they've got a daughter. Jus' wish it was sooner rather than later.

Interestingly enough? Sweetiepie gets a free pass. SHE still uses boy-words, (although she's careful about it). For whatever reason, it doesn't hurt. I think it's because I WANT to allow her concession. She's special to me. I can play "boy" if that's important to her. I'm just tired of playing "boy" for the world.

At WaterFire this week, The masked fella on the Gondola floating by passed my mother and passed my sweetie-pie before handing me a carnation. Nothing was spoken, but the act made me feel terribly pretty. <=) Little victories.

ALSO on the Little victories front, Job Interview! Job interview with makeup, hose/heels, bra, whole nine! I was fuckin' ON. And there was zero awkwardness! Apparently, they've had trans employees before and can investigate benefits. So amazing to jus' start fresh with "Yup. This is who I am. Whut'cha want."

Lookin' forward to the future.

  • Current Music
    Tangled OST - When Will my Life Begin