July 2nd, 2012

Hippo

Week 33: The Daughter They Don't Know They Have

Well, parents came and went and there hasn't been any outburst of "So hey, I'm all Transgendered. I dunno if I'd ever mentioned that. Probably not. You gonna eat all that?" or suchlike.

I don't even know why it's so important to me... it's not like I INTERACT with my folks much. I think I'm jus' bummed out by not being forthright with th' folks that raised me about something so integral to my being. It's hard, tho, 'cuz I KNOW it'll just upset 'em and they'll freak out and won't understand, so part of me WANTS to push that button. Part of me wants to be all "You wanna talk shit about queers and transpeople? Have a ball, motherfuckers. You're talking shit about YOUR OWN BLOOD. Deal with that" etc. But they DIDN'T talk shit about queers an' transfolk. Not during this last visit. They scoffed a bit about Obamacare and Green initiatives and whatever other mild political grandstanding they felt necessary to do in front of us, but they were generally really civil and trying their damnedest to be nice. *sigh* one-a these days I'll have "the talk". Hopefully.

One-a the things that fucked up my sweetie-pie (aside from the intense pressure of havin' my folks over for five days) was me wanting my parents to think of me (if not refer to me) as a "daughter". I'm not sure why I'm hung up on it, but it's what I prefer. And I don't even think they'd go along with it even if they KNEW it was my preference. But y'know. At least then, it'd be willful. Anyway, so the reason my sweetie's messed up over it is the creeping fear that I AM gonna go ahead and go full-on-girl sometime. No more "Femme presenting Non-binary Translady", just "I'm a woman and my name is Gwendolynne Marie Kristen Barbie LaFontanelle" or something. Something CONCRETE that she KNOWS she can't live with thet'd force her to bail. But no, I'm still JUST enough boy to be complicated and frustrating. <=\ That poor lady. Relationships, kids: You get to put up with shit you never thought you'd have to worry about.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned my dear darlin' lady-friend who referred to me as "Mei Mei". She's been the most insanely wonderful big sister a girl could have. I'm used to bein' kind of an odd duck an' not really NEEDING to depend on my friends for support... And largely, with this trans shit, I feel like I've got things in-hand, and don't need much aid. But god DAMN is it amazing to have someone who's 100% onboard and in my corner. Jie Jie's the best.

Also, another dear friend called me "Ladypants". Y'know what? This shit's dumb and trivial and superficial, but it's surprising the impression it makes. Getting "Sir"red is just something I notice now. Every time. Jus' kinda sticks there. And getting Ma'amed brings me up. Every single damn time. It's just an automatic little button to make me more cheerful. It's weird to see how simple and mechanical the effect is. I'm sure it'll wear off eventually, but it's nice to keep closin' out my week's entry with "SOMETHING WORKED".

-343
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