July 30th, 2012



Regularly stunned by the constant progression of time. As terrified as I am of the dreadful, unknowable future, It certainly shows up quickly enough.

Thankfully, it feels as though the deepest emotional darkness is behind me (for now?). I'm coming off of a religious-experience-level happy weekend and have been having a number of really really good days. Perhaps it's just macro-scale biorhythms and I'm gonna trough soon, but for now, things feel good. Quite quite good. Not like, EMPLOYED good. But good.

So, I'm changing, It seems. In the past weekend, I've gotten high, gotten drunk, and danced like an idiot with a couple of dear friends through some totally cotton candy thump-thump house music. This... These behaviours I'm describing? These are not weekend plans of the me that I inhabited last year. I know my sweetie-pie has been trepidous about the notion of "One more thing" with me. That I'm always reaching. Always exploring new boundaries and limits and experiences. Part of this is FINE. It's who I am and why I've gotten where I've gotten in life (not the unemployed part of where I've gotten... more the "happy doing what I love and participating in the best industry in the world" kinda where I've gotten). It's just... It's been tiresome for her, 'cuz she wants a piece of the rock. Something dependable. Something she knows. I've NEVER made that easy. I TRY to be honest with her... If we're both not into something, so be it. It's just that... sometimes, I reconsider whether or not I'm "into" things. And... there's been a LOT of that kind of reconsideration lately.

How much of this is the hormones? How much of this is the studio shutdown, the relationship drama... Life's throwing a lot at me all at once.

It's interesting to watch the transition from within this mælstrom. Like, YES there was a lot of depression and drama and fights and heaviness leading up to this, but now? The transition feels like a tiny, almost insignificant part of this maelstrom I'm floating through with my loved ones. Hopefully we'll all make it through this collection of rough-spots and the transition will be another element of who I am. Like a new haircut, the shock of what's different about it will have blended into everything else that makes me who I am and how I present myself.

I hope.
  • Current Music
    NoFX- The Decline