August 13th, 2012

Hippo

Week 39: The Last Civil Conversation We'll Ever Have.

Comin' up on Week 40 of this project. Which... is weird... being that I'm coming up on month nine of my HRT. Not precisely sure how that works.

Need to hit up the drugstore for my third installment of unemployment-meds. I remember getting the LAST batch and thinking "Man. Where will I be when these run out? What answers will be clear?"

TAKE THAT, ME FROM THE PAST!

This shit is never clear. It just is. That's part of the problem with this "Transition". Shit is constantly changing, sure, but it's also constantly HERE. In the now.

I've had a lotta trouble with the "Now" recently. So much insanity going on. So much uncertainty. It's a little comfortable to cling to my daily hormone regimen Something stable. But then the bad thoughts creep in. That this, (like almost EVERYTHING stable in my life) is clinging tenuously by a thread. Everything I'm seeing and enjoying and loving right now is something that I fear will go away. And soon. Everything feels unsustainable, like I'm flying a plane on nothing but vapors and hope.

And this approaching Wednesday is Coming-Out-Day. I originally thought it'd be no big deal. That I'd never have to mention it or do anything about it. SURE, somewhere down the line, I might have boobs or something, but hell. Baggy shirts and sportsbras, right? *sigh* I'm not sure WHY it's become SO goddamn important to me to be confrontational about this. But, y'know, it is.

Like... The whole Pronoun thing. YES! It's getting a lot of traction here. 'CUZ IT'S A THING. When I began this process, I didn't think twice about pronouns. Didn't mind boy-words at all. Whatever folks wanted to say. I'd occasionally get ma'amed in restaurants or whatever, okay. Then... Then a friend or two started actually goin' ahead and girl-wording me. I feel bad for putting folks through the awkwardness of the process. I'm expected to know my mind, y'know? And have my position be MEANINGFUL and intractible. But it's not and I don't. I'm stepping into a lot of alien territory with this trans thing. As much as I like to go on and on about how I should have done it YEARS ago and etc... In many ways I'm not necessarily ready for it NOW. For different values of "Ready". I understand it HAD to happen. And I'm happy it's happening. It's just... That doesn't mean I'm PREPARED. Doesn't mean I have all the answers. And the answers I DO have today may not be the same as the answers I have a week/month/year from now. So y'know. I can TRY to reassure th' sweetie-pie that I'm not changing my name to Bambi Michelle LaWhatever, but fuckin'... I DON'T KNOW WHO ME-IN-THE-FUTURE IS. I hope she's awesome. I hope she's happy. But I don't know.

SO hey! This journal has been a buncha emotional boring shit and not enough gross TMI shit recently! Lemmie fix that. So like, remember back in th' day when I was talking about how my body odour had gone COMPLETELY away? Like, I just WOULDN'T smell any more, no matter how much I sweated? And I had mentioned how my body odour was slowly coming back into function and now (thanks, August), it's pretty well working as one would expect. The thing is... It's markedly different now. It's weird. Like, it's still BODY odor, so it's not like I wanna let it run loose, but it smells Strangely... I don't know. Floral? Sweeter? I kinda really super adore it. Which, y'know. Not good, 'cuz I still don't wanna STINK... but man. I fucking LOVE the way ladies are inclined to stink as opposed to dude-musk. I smell AWESOME. Take my word for it. Now, I'll... Y'know. Get in the tub.

-343
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