August 27th, 2012

Hippo

Week 41: Light in the Middle of the Tunnel

Parents: Coming around. I think. Probably don't want to be around me if possible, but it sounds like they're not invested in FIGHTING me. And it ain't an easy position for them to take, so I should be gracious about it. They wanna feel like they're at war with "The Gay Agenda" and my "Lifestyle choices" indicate my side in that war, well, okay. So long as they don't bring that fight to my doorstep, I won't raise a shit, either. Coexistence don't mean we need to agree.

Pronouns. Ongoing thing. Misgendered myself in a car trip the other day and fucking caved in on myself. Humiliation and weirdness and some kinda existential crisis. I mean, what the fuck am I DOING if I can't even see myself as a girl, y'know? I've said before that girl-words don't fit any better than boy-words, I just prefer them because they're a symbol that I'm DOING SOMETHING. So maybe that's some consolation?

Dear sister-friend chick was telling me that there's no reason I can't be subject to the newness that everyone's experiencing with this. After spending 34 years in boy-mode, I'm allowed. And that's valid... I just... It scared me. 'Cuz like, what the fuck am I doing all this for if I don't believe in it, myself? Guh. I overthink it. It needed to happen. It's happening. "Happening" means work-in-progress. Need to be graceful.

Missed my brother's birthday. He's been tryin' to catch me on th' phone. Mebbie I'll come out to him. Dunno. It's shitty. I don't have a vested interest in him KNOWING. I think it's something he'd WANT to know, so I mean, I guess it's good to share it, but if I'm gonna be HONEST with myself? I can't ignore the fact that he's gonna have conversations with my folks, and I get to think about that. Am I just trying to drop everyone in a jar and shake it up to let them fight it out? Will it even LEAD to a fight? Do I want that, and is THAT my only motivation for outing myself to my brother?

I'm most likely overthinking THIS, too. Fuckit. I'll drop that bomb this afternoon and be an OUT motherfucker.

It's weird to see my emotional state. There've been good days and bad days, but I think things are generally okay. Probably because I've got employment options and I'm talkin' with folks. Honestly, it's annoying tryin' to be all SCIENCE about this transition shit when all kinds of bizarre input pollutes my data. But here we are.

Feeling better. Happy. Accepted. Loved. Hopeful. Now, momma jus' needs to get paid.

-343
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