September 3rd, 2012

Hippo

Week 42: Why can't I hold all these feels?

It's been okay. I think.

Today, I felt my moods trying to take over, but they didn't find any purchase. I was weird-headed and felt like I really OUGHT to be upset about something, but I couldn't put my finger on what, precisely, i was supposed to be upset about. Recently, there's been NO END of things for me to latch onto and go "THERE. Of course that's overwhelming me, it's horrible shit!". But yeah. Nothing's able to exacerbate the panic, so it SITS there but doesn't get worse. Which is very very good. 'cuz this shit getting worse isn't an appealing notion.

It's INSANELY frustrating.

Silly things that have made me cry this week:

ParaNorman: Fantastic flick, but not like... CRY over it. 'Cept, y'know, for me. Resonant themes? Good craftsmanship?

Someone on Reddit posted a picture of a ziplock bag someone taped to a RedBox DVD rental thing. It was just a bag of microwave popcorn they left there to be nice to somone. I dunno, man. Hit me.

My sweetie-pie made a Minecraft mix, and there was a song about a forgotten cabin in the woods. Longing for that cabin, and the cabin never knowing if the creator's coming back...

Okay, look. I can TRY to justify these things, but there's kinda nothing doing. I'm an emotional flipcase, and I recognize that. It's just.. it's interesting to see. I remember reading people saying that "yeah, you're going to cry at stupid things" but it's neat to feel. I LIKE it. I like being this... affected by things. I love deeply. It's good to get to feel that. Right now, I'm kinda insecure-ing deeply, though. And that's not anywhere near as cool. I was askin' my sweetie like, 400 times "Is this okay? Is that alright? I don't want to screw something up or do anything wrong or whatever, but this is underpinned by the fact that I think I'm doing EVERYTHING wrong. I don't feel encouragement or positivity from my friends or anything... I just feel alone and weird. Not SAD, especially, because I've got walls around that part of my fears. Sure, I'm still employed, but I'm working on things. It's in-hand, so I block myself from worrying further. Stuff like that. If I LET myself dwell, I could end up in dark places, I guess, I'm just... Everything in me is pushing low. Hope this doesn't happen when I'm visiting friends later this month. I don't wanna be high maintenance. And yet, here I am.

Every time I talk to my parents, there's a little bit of discussion about "my situation". It's nice that the crack's there at least.

Got high today... that was nice for a bit... I'm tryin' hard to make sure that my use of dissociatives an' depressants is only for recreational purposes, not medicinal purposes. Still, I think comin' down is makin' things worse. Mebbie I just need sleep.

It's weird being THIS fucked up over literally nothing. I just have feels.

-343
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