September 17th, 2012


Week 44: Validation Vampire

So I jus' got back from a comic convention with my sweetie-pie and some friends. One one hand it was weird and alien, because I don't feel comfortable at 'cons sometimes. I'm so used to living behind the table that I never get out and look at things. Try to curl up into a ball and be invisible. Run the table, Then get the hell out. Kind of a shitty attitude 'cuz there's SO MUCH great stuff to see, but I'm a social mutant. On the other hand, there were HEAPS of gender-variant an' queer folks there, so I felt like I was in decent company. I got ONLY female pronouns the whole time! It was really super-weird. I'm incredibly thrilled to have the INSANE rich loving support I get from my friends, but there's something special about hearing a stranger lady-gender me.

I still don't see it, y'know? I'm not OBLIVIOUS to everyone's feedback and it sounds like I'm making killer progress... but it's hard for me to see in myself. I might not EVER see it in myself. But I'm INSANE encouraged by everyone's reactions this weekend. My friends and loved ones, as always, are top of the pops. So lucky.

Moods are still a little all-over-the-place, 'specially on account of all the weird stimuli. Sleeping weird hours, alternating periods of boredom and stress... I know we're all on vacation together, but I couldn't help the horrible "Need to be a good hostess" urges forcing me to worry about everyone having a good time etc. I don't have good attention control. It's a combination of short focus time and laserbeam intensity. When I'm into something, I'm into THE FUCK OUT OF IT. But yeah. Mostly dangerous moods are easy to pick out... "I haven't eaten today" or "I'm sleepy and it's bedtime" or whatever. If I can just keep myself from saying crazy shit while I'm like that, I'll be okay.

Shaved the soul patch. Got a haircut in anticipation of the big 'con, and I was worried about how it turned out. Folks said it was cute, but it was so short in the back it reminded me of my old haircut and I dunno. I kinda freaked out. I was worried I was gonna see ALL these awesome people during this convention and they wouldn't see ANY change and I'm jus' gonna look like a boy and whatever. I dunno. My sweetie-pie reassured me that I was insane, but she mentioned if I was REALLY self-conscious about my presentation. I could shave the soul patch an' she'd be cool with that. SO AMAZINGLY GOOD OF HER. So I shaved it, but I'm not entirely sure it made any kind of difference. Then again, I DID get ma'amed a lot. Who knows. I think my damn SHIRT being so low-scooped was responsible for more attention than my hair was. =) Gonna go ahead and grow back the soul patch. I think it's fine.

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    Blue States - Season Song