September 24th, 2012


Week 45: Can I get anything else for you ladies?

I think I like havin' the soul-patch gone. As more time goes on, I think I'm more comfortable jus' tellin' folks "Female" when they ask. Part of me feels a little timid and weird even WANTING to embrace more of the femme angle and less of the "genderqueer" stuff, but whatever's comfy is whatever's comfy.

It's weird. This is EXACTLY what my sweetie was afraid of. That I'd go all 100% girl and she wouldn't have any boy left that she was married to. Interestingly enough, shaving th' thing was HER idea. She's warming up to my transition in interesting ways. Part of me is desperately hopeful (has been desperately hopeful this whole time, I guess) that she's finally able to see me as ME. And if her Travis wants to be a girl, she'll jus' be married to girl-Travis and it'll still be awesome. When I was wearin' an outfit similar to hers for the Farmer's Market, she was bemoaning how we (almost) dressed alike, sayin' "Oh, maaaan! We're gonna be one of _those_ lesbian couples", which I thought was super adorable.

A long time ago, when we were havin' some of the earliest fights, I made some comment to her about "trying to be a lesbian". I SHOULDN'T have... It was a terrible thing to say, even as a half-assed joke. Thinking back on it hurts for the pain I caused and how horribly callous I was to even say something like that. Thing is, I don't WANT her to be a lesbian. Her identity is her own and I don't want her compromising or sacrificing anything. It's just... sometimes hetero chicks end up falling in love with and marrying women. Life's funny.

So strange. I'm STILL not comfy with lady-bathrooms, although boy-bathrooms are getting a bit more awkward. I've always gotten a kick out of bein' in heels an' hose and using the urinals, so I mean, THAT's still fun... It's just... when I'm at public places... it's gonna start bein' weirder and weirder. Or not! I do not know.

Tomorrow I see th' doc again. This is the psych doc I saw back when I was settin' up the Orchi the first time. Since we're tryin' to go TOTALLY all "by the book" style with the WPATH Standards of Care, he wanted to do his followup close to the "one-year-on-hormones" mark, so here we are. Chump better come correct with the letter. If he writes one (he better write one), I'm totally gettin' a copy. What a GREAT artifact. Also, since I'll be in there talkin' to him, I'm bringing the DMV paperwork for changing license gender. Just motherfucking Because. Don't plan to get the Birth Certificate changed or whatever... so I mean, having mismatched records might cause problems down the line... but yeah. I think I'd really dig gettin' an F, as it were. It's pretty easy to do in this state, so I'll give it a go.

I don't THINK the Orchi's gonna fuck with my sex-drive. It SHOULDN'T. I think my sex-drive's taken as much of a hit as it's gonna take from th' anti-androgens. My sex-drive has been really weird. It's this INTENSE emotional thing. I still get super-horny sometimes and I'm STILL a kinky motherfucker... I think it just feels like, I dunno. Passion? SUPER INTENSE passion. I don't have as much of the self-absorbed LUST as I used to... Now it's ALL ABOUT jus' focusing on my sweetie an' being pleasurable. That's what I'm interested in. It's kinda nice, I think. I could still do for more of it. =)

The "Let's all welcome Travis to the company" email that got sent out used female pronouns. Feels good, man.

This entry's all OVER the place. Whatevs. At least it's happy.

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