October 1st, 2012

Hippo

Week 46: Fig. 1: The Goddess kills Deceit and Fear, her Parasitic Sons

The transition's taking its toll on my sweetie-pie. I mean, LIFE is interceding, as it does, and there are miles of corollary factors. I dunno. Mebbie it's NOT specifically the transition... I know that getting my gender changed on my license is a concern for her. I'm SUPER excited about it since I found out the process, but yeah. It's terrifying to her. Every step of ths process has been scary, 'cuz it's not even standing still. I guess I should have STARTED the process by saying "Yup. I'm a woman. Let's just operate under those assumptions 'till I tell you otherwise." Not entirely sure it'd make much of a difference.

So I'm getting my license re-upped soon enough on account of my birthday coming up and I thought it'd be nice to get the gender changed to "F" so I took it to the psych doc (all of this re-capped from last week). Bitch didn't sign off on it! And didn't sign off on the Orchi, either. Apparently dude's worried about how destabilizing everything's been in my life and doesn't want me making rash decisions. Which, okay, when discussing organs, I get it. But the Driver's License? Come the fuck on! Dick. So my sweetie sent the paperwork to OUR psychologist, and I'm hopin' things will go better.

Everyone at the new job is AMAZINGLY cool with the gender stuff. I've been insanely happy. This is people who don't know me using female pronouns. Regularly. AFTER meeting me. Blows my mind.

The concept of "passing" is kinda horrible, but I'm sorta onboard. Like, okay, it's awful to be all "I'm going to pretend to be someone I'm not and deceive everyone", but I fucking FEEL like I'm pulling a trick. Like, my sweetie told me a story about being a young child and menstruating and I'll never have those stories. How the fuck can I pretend to be a woman when there's a million things I'll never experience that "real" women deal with? It's frustrating. So part of me feels a little guilty when I hear someone say "thank you ma'am" to me. Like I'm cheating somehow. And I mean, I DO it, 'cuz I have to... but that's part of why I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable goin' "Lady" as opposed to "TransLady". I HAVE experienced some of the struggles of a translady. THAT is my experience. Still, when everything demands that you be either "Male" or "Female", I've gotta pretend SOMETHING.

Filled out the insurance application for work today. In the gender spot I jus' left it blank. I'm kinda uncomfortable with that, but y'know. When your shit doesn't apply.

Made a piece for an art show in a week or so. Still riding all the pissed-off from the doctor rejection, I'll hafta post it here once I get a shot of it. Block carving of a goddess figure with an exaggerated breasts and penis, the two son-heads are her testicles... I'm pretty happy with the piece. It's weird to me to make art as a way of dealing with heavy shit going on in my life. It's SUCH a stereotype, but yeah. Not something I've done much of. Feels pretty good.

-343
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