October 8th, 2012


Week 47: Now Approaching The 128

So the art show is comin' up this weekend, and I'm not sure what to expect. I feel good about my piece, and it did what I wanted it to, thereapy-wise... It's just weird. I feel a little goofy and first year art-student being all "hermaphroditic Goddess cutting her own testicles off WHOAHOAOAH" but fuck ever. I'm goin' through some shit, y'all. Back up.

Still uncomfortable EVERY TIME I use the dude's bathroom. Got some double-glances from folks. I worry it's only gonna get more awkward as the transition goes on, but hopefully I'll jus' get more comfortable with the endeavour. I mean, If I don't just lie down and accept the gender binary, stands to reason that I'm bound to encounter some friction on account of it. Need to EMBRACE the discomfort. Be all "This feeling? This awkwardness? I'm getting this because IT'S HAPPENING." an' that's a good feeling.

I feel so awful about my sweetie-pie. There's SO MUCH change bein' heaped on her. You'd think that if you dealt with this shit EVERY DAY it'd get easier, but I know what it feels like to have that nagging little irritation every time someone says "sir". I worry that my sweetie gets that when someone says ma'am. It's tough. It's tough to deal with your partner being made SO HAPPY by something you ain't cool with. Or so I assume. <=) Can't think of anything my sweetie could POSSIBLY be into that I wouldn't be cool with, s'long as it didn''t hurt HER and didn't tell me "Don't behave that way".

Realistically, the latter shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I'm a little selfish, I guess. Part of the determination to transition carried with it a feeling that this HAD to happen, damn the consequences. And that's damning HER to consequences, as well, I guess.

I STILL wanna be a good husband to her, but godDAMN do I love pretending to be a cute lesbian couple with her. It's SHITTY, 'cuz I mean, she's NOT a lesbian. Still. I'm not a BOY and I've been taken for one forever. Wasn't so bad.

My emotions have almost COMPLETELY mellowed the hell out. I've still got interpersonal stuff with my sweetie to manage, and I DO still sometimes feel the compelling grip of a Freakout coming on... but in general, I think I've got my shit mostly in hand. I can FEEL the bad shit coming on, and I've largely been able to work through it. Hopefully I'm normalizing. HOPEFULLY in a couple of months I'll get my dosage jacked up an' get back into Freak-out town. =D Not that I WANT to freak out... it's just nice to have results happening. I feel like my transition is just SITTING here. Coming up on my first "tranniversary". More excited about IT than my birthday. If everything goes according to plan, I'll have "Girl" on my license then. Maaaan. Can't come quickly enough.

I feel like this journal's kinda pointless. When it started I was SURE I'd have SOME sort of update every week, but 11 months in, the individual weeks seem to blur. "Tits still plateaued. Body not reallocating, really. Still see the same dumpy boy I've ever seen in the mirror (most of the time)." Coming into this, I KNEW it'd be a gradual process. Funny how even the briefest periods feel SUPER prolonged when you're in the middle of everything.

I guess there's a confidence in my voice that hasn't been there in a while. The TERROR of unemployment slowly giving way to all the mundane terrors that besieged me before the unemployment disrupted everything. I think I'm happy these days. I think I'll be okay. I think I have a plan. Should be okay.

As long as God doesn't fuck anything up.

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