November 12th, 2012


Week 52: Your Favourite Songs About Big Change

Here we are. One year down, one an' some change to go. 110 was kinda arbitrarily chosen 'cuz 104 didn't feel like an especially interesting number. It's INSANE how much everything has changed. SO much love and understanding and pain and hurt and resentment and tears and laughter and Man. Transitioning's hard shit.

On the plus side, I've been really good about updating this now that I have a long-ass commute!

SO I wrote to my parents like I said I was gonna. Then they wrote me back. Shit was HEAVY. All kinds of bullshit about how "You're our SON and you'll always be our SON and if you feel bad when we gender you male that's your choice to feel bad" type shit. On my damn birthday no less! So I was hurt MORE and I was pissed MORE and I wrote the most furious-polite letter I could put together. Told them that was a dick move. That I've been to a lotta doctors and shit hurts but I need to do it. And shame on them for bein' dicks on my birthday. All kinds of shit. I tried to be as productive as I could be with my hurt, but I STILL let 'em know I hurt.

Then I got a phone call from dad. A message left on the machine saying "we shouldn't be playing email tag. we should just talk". SCARED. I was hangin' out with beloved friends an' I didn't want to deal with that shit... But later on that night I went ahead with the call. Ready for the disownment. I told 'em how I stood and I ain't gonna change that.

But I didn't get disowned. And nobody was shitty. Dad said they didn't understand how hurt I was. That mine was a medical condition. That I was hurting. I don't know. I don't know WHAT it is that I said, but something got through to 'em. And even through all the shitty Emails and misgendering, the birthday card they sent me was gender-neutral. Dad mentioned how hard it was to find something that they liked that didn't say "Son" on it. Made me melt. I KNOW it ain't easy for them to accept me, but they're workin' awful hard. Hopefully them bein' shitty on my birthday was just sour grapes from the Obama win. I dunno.

Actually looking forward to interacting with them. It's strange. Feels SO good to be upfront about this shit. This journal was completely separate from my online identity SPECIFICALLY because of them (and my sweetie-pie's stress about their reactions). I STILL don't use anyone's real name in this journal, tho at this point it's just out of habit.

Just had my 35th birthday. Couple days and I'll have my first T-birthday. Feels weird to see this strange, occasionally even beautiful woman emerging from what I'm familiar with. Everything's scary and weird, but it's still kinda exciting.

  • Current Music
    AKB48 - Sugar Rush