December 4th, 2012

Hippo

Week 55: I'm Feeling You

No real transition news this week! It's refreshing. My life's going in all kinds of crazy directions, but the transition's rapidly becoming just a part of my life. I've noticed some co-workers vacillate between male an' female pronouns... I don't think it gets to me so much if they HAVE used lady-words in th' past. I'd rather have it be a mistake than a misperception.

I miss my friends. I've taken liberties I shouldn't have with a dear friend of mine and now a lot of relationships are under strain. I mention this here because my sweetie had brought up the "You're going through puberty" angle. All the interpersonal drama, the impulse control failures, the intense crying jags... It's impossible to know which elements are just coincidence and which elements reflect how my psychology deals with hormone level fluctuations.

I have a hard time sometimes thinking about the girl I want to be (also plus, my sweetie is annoyed by my continued use of the word "girl"). It's not as simple as "be yourself" would imply, because that gives the impression that there IS a single, true "self". Sure, be genuine in your motivations and don't pretend to be something for others... but I'm a different person in every social context. Not DRASTICALLY, but it's there. And sometimes it's distinctive. I didn't PLAN to go this far into girl-territory when I began. Boy-space is largely comfortable for me... I guess I was just so _pleased_ by girl-stuff that I wanted to, I dunno, earn it? I've developed a bit of a complex about shit that no-one probably cares about. "bit of a complex" being an understatement. It used to be kinda fun for me to be in the men's room with hose an' heels... I think that now, it's not playing any more. I feel like I'm actually TAKING things that society doesn't want me to have, and I feel like I need to, I dunno. Play it safe? I have a Driver's license, y'know. Shit's real. Gettin' realer. It's interesting.

Guh. Train's comin' into the station.

-343
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