December 31st, 2012


Week 59: Licked and Loaded

Watched "Hedwig and The Angry Inch" for the first time this past weekend. Kinda astonished my friends when I mentioned I'd never seen it. I'd WANTED to, but means/motive/opportunity etc.

It DESTROYED me. Part of it (I'm sure) was just the drunken state I was in... MUCH of my time these days is spent in weird (usually bad) headspace. I guess I'm not used to seeing too much Transgendered ANYTHING. I dunno. The movie rubbed me raw in ways I wasn't prepared for. I'm glad I had a dear friend to hold my hand and my sweetiepie literally at my back. That provided consolation, but the whole experience still felt kinda alone. There's parts of me thet that film gets that I'm not used to anyone getting. I was kinda on the edge of my seat the whole time, not because the movie's intense, but because this movie had access to me. It wasn't safe for me, I guess. But it could have done much worse. I don't know what most folks' reaction to that film is. I shoulda discussed it, but I wasn't really able to handle anything. Slipped into default snarky "I'm fine, lemmie make jokes" mode immediately. I shoulda known what I was gettin' into... "Wig in a box" has been a song I ADORE (despite it settin' me boo-hooing) for years. Buddy put it on a Mixtape or somethin'. Anyway, yeah. ART

Got in a chat with some friends about misogyny in th' workplace. Struck me as weird that I might begin experiencing that shit. Like, I was PREPARED for transphobia an' near-strangers asking the goddamned "Have you had the surgery" question... "You look like a dude" kinda shit. Locked and loaded for alla that. But to feel first-hand someone's bawdy jokes being suppressed... someone completely disregarding me in favour of an arbitrarily more competent seeming dude... It's interesting to feel my petulant early-trans "BRING ON THE DISCRIMINATION, FUCKERS. IT ONLY VALIDATES ME" slowly blurring into this bummed-out realization that I may not ACTUALLY be getting a fair shake. That life ISN'T fair, that some folks are jus' shit on for no good goddamn reason other than th' arbitrary vicissitudes of power and popularity.

It's interesting to snuggle with my sweetie-pie in public. It feels like SUCH a powerful statement. Like, it means the world to me that she's not ashamed to give an' receive affection from her lady-husband even though it makes folks think she's queer when she isn't... That's fucking POWERFUL to me. And I mean, the very NOTION of loving a girl feels somehow dangerous now. As if this THING that's been completely normal and natural our entire relationship is suddenly a STATEMENT. I dunno. It feels curiously subversive while at the same time jus' bein' me cuddlin' on my sweetiepie, same as I've done th' past 14 years.

And, come to think of it, I ought to get up to some-a that self-same sweetie-pie snugglin'. =D

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