January 14th, 2013

Hippo

Week 61 -

I think I'm insane.

Actually, I KNOW I'm insane. It's just... weird to come face to face with it.

You're used to decisions you make being YOUR decisions. Things YOU actually want because they're what YOU've decided. This can be problematic when your brain changes.

I'm used to depending on my brain. I'm used to my brain knowing what's best for me. If I feel it, and I know it, it's real (or at least, real enough to guide me to happiness and the happiness of those close to me). This entire system has changed, and I've fallen into it in a bad way. At this stage in my life (and I'm seeing things now through an assortment of clarifying events), I realize I've led myself astray. How do you reconcile that? What do you do when you do what you think is right, when you pursue what you believe in and one day awaken to find that you've destroyed relationships, almost ruined your marriage... And It's not like I'm emerging from demonic posession. I'm ME. I've always just been me, making these decisions. I'm only recently coming to terms with the notion that I don't have a clear of an understanding of what "me" means.

But I know I don't like who I've been recently, and I've been steering myself down an increasingly cataststophic path in pursuit of this girl I THINK I want to be. And YES. There were plenty of elements of my pre-transition self that needed to change. There were plenty of elements that I WANTED to change. It's just easy to get selfish, I guess. Easy to get myopic. When you start having overwhelming change taking over your life, I reckon it's hard to NOT treat it like a shopping spree. Combine this mess with the all new brain chemistry... I don't know. I've TRIED to be observant. I've tried to document change as it happens. As I see it.

I guess I trusted some things to remain constant. Hard when the THING DOING THE TRUSTING isn't constant, herself.

*sigh*

Well, if change is to be a constant, then I reckon there's hope to repair and rebuild.

That's it, brain. You're on probation. I know you're all I've got, but you've gotta do better than that.

-343
  • Current Music
    Stephen Trask - Wicked Little Town