January 21st, 2013

Hippo

Week 62: A Cake With Two Girls on Top

Vacation-time. This time last year I went on vacation, too. Neat to see how just one year changes things. Everyone ma'amed me again, which was super-nice, with just one exception... AMAZING how little it takes to cause me to collapse. Passing is kind of a dangerous drug. It's EXCITING. As I've mentioned before, I feel like there's some weird game being played here, but COMPLETE strangers are playing by the rules. I love it, but it doesn't make sense to me.

It's hard to keep perspective with my sweetie-pie. I don't WANT to hide. Don't WANT to equivocate. I wanna be loud an' proud an' openly trans an' "ASK ME ABOUT MY GENITALS" but this ain't her fight. Kinda puts her in an uncomfortable space. As I mentioned a couple of days ago, affection in public... that's kind of a STATEMENT now. But she doesn't want to be a statement. She's jus' loving her sweetiepie. And I want that too, of course. I've always been comfortable jus' being affectionate, and there's no reason to STOP being so. It's just... there's also the extra layer there. And maybe it IS just me putting that extra layer there, but goddamnit, I want queer kids to feel comfortable. I want to be an example of how it's totally no big deal. There's a lot of diversity at a big amusement park like that.

My sweetie resigns herself to this with the notion that I'm "young". A lot of this is a new expression for me and it's probably reasonable to assume that I'll be less inclined to be all "SEE THIS? WE LOVE EACH OTHER. AND WE'RE BOTH GIRLS. AND IT'S OKAY." as time goes on. And I don't want her UNCOMFORTABLE. Don't like rubbing HER nose in the fact that she's stuck with a lady now... It just... It feels so Incredibly comfortable to occupy this space. This is closer to where I wanna be. And really, my sweetie seems to be generally comfortable with the gender stuff, so long as I'm happy. Chasing happiness is harder than dealing with "Will I be attracted to her" kinda stuff right now, I think.

Still no word from the goddamn doctors. Swear to christ they're stonewalling me. I should just go to another urologist; I'm just hesitant to start this process ALL OVER again. Grumblebumble.

-343
  • Current Music
    Peter, Paul, and Mary - Leaving On A Jet Plane