February 4th, 2013


Week 64: He said he wondered if he could get his dick through that.

Got my estrogen boosted! Yaaaayyyy!

Given, it's not likely to DO much, and I'm going back to low-dose Estradiol once I've had my Orchi, but shit, man. Once I've had my Orchi I'll be kinda on the other SIDE of some-a this worry and concern. 34 years of Boy-mones have done what they're gonna do to me and that shit ain't jus' gonna magically reverse. Sofar as I'm concerned, this is jus' a nice way to help me be a bit less antsy while waitin' for the Orchi. I mean, SURE, it'd be lovely if th' boobs plumped up too an' some-a that Fat redistribution did its thing... but realistically, it's mostly jus' makin' me feel better (which is not a negligible benefit)

Hope they don't make me MORE crazy. Perhaps they will! I'll report back.

I'm currently ridin' an up wave. Mood's been great and positive and productive for a week an' some change now. Every time I get like this, I think "I wonder if this will stick? I wonder if THIS time, I'm gonna just be happy and positive and my depression's broken." But y'know. Pattern recognition.

It's interesting feeling the tendrils of hopelessness and self-doubt and despair creeping in through the cracks like a gas. Like, their concentration is LOW, but I can smell 'em in the air. I know what it feels like to be suffocated by 'em, so I'm gonna see if there's some way to crack a window or whatever. I think that metaphor's sufficiently tortured. I'll change gears.

So, the other night, I got an invite for a "Groundhog Day Fetish Transgender Play and Dance Party". My sweetie-pie was pretty worried about my attendance at such an event... Could I be trusted to not fuck EVERYTHING there? Am I gonna find a new life where I ACTUALLY belong? Will I jus' get drunk an' show off th' tits? As I suppose is predictable, none happened. It was an intimate little hole-inna-wall club, there was a band (Jodi Jolt & the Volt) playin' some tunes, and 30-50 folks millin' about. There was a dominatrix present, as advertised, but she was mostly sellin' her flogs an' stuff. If there was any sexytimes goin' on, I didn't catch any. It was... It was interesting. I didn't know what to expect, obviously, and I DID get to meet some neat folks from th' area kink community. Perhaps I'll go to some events in th' future! Who knows. But it was scary and new and undertaken without incident, so y'know. Net positive. Curious how I was face-to-face with the old "This is what you wanted, right? So why aren't you flipping out and having the time of your life?" thing. 'Cuz sometimes stuff doesn't work out the way you think it will, or become what you expect or hope for it to become. It just is. If it ain't the answer, you keep looking, but it's nice to keep an open mind in case it's an answer you weren't expecting. I'm glad I went. I'm even MORE glad it didn't cause heaviness or problems.

  • Current Music
    Faith No More - Theme from Midnight Cowboy