February 18th, 2013


Week 66: Gatekeeping and Fuckwords

Went to a "women in gaming" meetup tonight. Apparently there was a scheduling fuckup and it ended up jus' bein' me and a couple of co-workers, but it was a lovely ladies' night out. Still kinda feel like I'm fakin' it or cheating or something. Like, I put the bow on my head so I get to hang out with girls, right? I reckon that'll pass. One thing that's interesting is that whether or not I feel like a "real girl" or feel like I really belong, I feel comfortably DISTINCT from my previous self. I sorta feel like boy-mode is a skin that I haven't completely molted off, but that I've scratched off enough of that I can breathe. Maybe I WON'T ever completely get rid of it all. Maybe (as I was feeling more towards the beginning of all of this) I'll settle more comfortably into a "genderqueer" space and be cooler about boy-stuff. Who knows? Hopefully when the women in gaming thing DOES come through, there'll be other transchicks there and I can be all confused about why I don't magically fit in with MY PEOPLE

Also, motherfucking Gatekeepin' sonofabitch doctor is STILL gatekeepin' (the sunofabitch). Last word from that punk sucker is "Well, maybe you should see someone at the Fenway Health b/c they have more trans experience and you might be able to achieve a stability with them that you don't have now" etc. etc.

Dear Motherfucker: My life is tumultuous. I'll grant that. I'm in the fucking VIDEO GAMES INDUSTRY. I don't expect that's ever gonna change. I've had insane relationship distress, friendships broken and mended, violent crying jags, self harm, drug and alcohol abuse, unemployment and the separation from many dear close friends, two tattoos (and two piercings), NEW employment, etc etc etc. in the past year. All of this is heavy. However, I fucking started transitioning a year ago. Wanted the Orchi then. Have taken my goddamn hormones dutifully every day since then. Ups and downs, ins and outs, new things and old things... And Every Single Day, I've wanted my goddamn surgery. Fuck this; I'm goin' to Detroit (not actually (unless I do)).

Have I usually watched my language in this journal? Jus' noticed I'm bein' especially fuckmouthed. Hm. Anyway, it irks me, this business.

Got an appt. with another Psychdoc, hopefully I can get a second opinion (and get an "in" into the Providence Queer Underground where a fucking doctor can do his goddamn job if a lady needs it).

Also, Holy BALLS I bruise easily. I was flippin' a co-worker's umbrella like I'm a damned majorette today, and I BRUISED THE TIP OF MY FINGER have you ever done that? 'Cuz I haven't. Made typing kinda annoying.

haha I'm totally jus' gonna end on that note.

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