February 25th, 2013


Week 67 - The kinds of stories you tell your kids

Had a very unsettling revelation in th' tub a couple days ago. I was high and listening to Shane Koyczan and crying my fool eyes out (for HOURS), so y'know. Diminished capacity and all that. So I was confused and surprised to find myself wanting to be a mom. I've never felt a desire to have a kid ever in my life. I used to HATE kids. Any of my friends with children approach me SO delicately about having them anywhere near me. I've gone from appreciating that to being a little surprised by that to feeling kind of badly about it. How violently did I resist the concept of children? How hard have I pushed myself in one direction in everyone's eyes? How can I ever turn around? Isn't it humiliating to change your position? I once called myself a dude. Denied that I was transgendered. I was cool with boy-stuff. Ah, well. It's not like I need to have kids or nothin'. Think I jus' need some time to process this, I guess. Took me by surprise. I mentioned it to my sweetie, but I'm SURE as hell not makin' a big deal outta that conversation now. Partly because I'm SO tired of fighting, partly because I'm so tired of putting her through SO MUCH change. And really, unless it IS a big deal, it might be nice to jus' let some-a this shit jus' kinda sit by the wayside. There will come a time when the constant violent change isn't QUITE such a regular occurrence. That'll be nice.

I had a dream wherein I was on vacation. I was on a bus, and there was a nice fella sitting next to me. He was flattering and charming and I let him talk sweet to me, even though he was obviously flexing his game. I'm a sucker for a kind word, and he was treating me like a pretty woman. It means so much to be to be a pretty woman to someone. Hard to express. Anyway, we ended up kissing, almost accidentally. I really liked it, even though I felt guilty. I've still got a long-suffering sweetiepie. The guilt coupled with the fear that he'd find out I had a cock sorta combined to give me horrible mixed-up feels to wake up to. Flattered, validated, scared, guilty. Lotta feels.

I've mentioned this notion before, but it's somethin' I was thinking about recently. There are some behaviour patterns I've adopted, things I've purchased... modes of dress. I've done stuff because I've been motivated by "The person I want to be would do that". Friend of mine referred to (especially the human-example version of) them as "aspirational models". It's a weird sort of way to think about things. Sometimes, I'm not clear on my motivations for doing things. It's not ALWAYS moving towards that notion of "The girl I wanna be", but it's something that bubbles up from time to time. All the tattoos I have (and getting a tattoo in the first place) were all "Yeah. Those are the things the person I want to be would do/have/express". It's interesting to see "The girl I wanna be" being a moving target, but I s'pose that's the nature of things, too.

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