March 18th, 2013

Hippo

Week 70 - Whipping Girl

Got to see Julia Serano give a talk at Brown University. It was weirdly significant to me. The more I extend myself and do social things and I dunno DO STUFF, the more it pays off.

I'm not used to doing any queer activism. I don't actually know a lotta queer kids (although I'm SUPER pleased to have met more, recently). Going to a talk by a bisexual translady (Right fuckin' ON, honey!) where th' auditorium is full of the kind of people who would go to a talk by a bisexual translady... Homegirl coulda read her laundry list. <=) And I mean, it's GOOD STUFF. She was promoting her new book and discussing intersectionality and oppression and femimism and even got to do some spoken word pieces! It was all quite wonderful and lovely. The smile that wouldn't leave my face came from just BEING there, though. Everyone was beautiful. Everyone was brave. I felt a little like a fake, but I know I WANTED to be there. I felt like I belonged. And I mean, not to get all SAPPY or nothin'... I'm SURROUNDED by people who love and accept me. My sweetiepie, my friends... They make for a wonderful life. It's just... I'm not used to not being the only transchick in the room. I mentioned that when I went to that "Jodi Jolt & the Volt" show, but this was... I dunno. I LIKED the show well enough, and all the queer/kinky kids were GREAT to see and be around (There's a HUGE part of me that's starved for the queer community interaction, but that's its own story)... This just felt more right-on. I felt community the way I've never felt community in queer spaces before. Still, it SUPER lit a fire in me to hit up more queer spaces. Endeavouring to be more social should help... Mebbie one-a my friday night "lets go drinkin'" outings can be at a gay-lady bar.

It's weird to feel so new in SO MANY WAYS. I have conversations with ladies at work and I can FEEL how distinctly different the dynamic is. I'm considered a peer. Maybe I'm BEHAVING like a peer. I can't help but think that some of my new-feeling comes from seeing MYSELF being able to talk to friends (boy and girl) and not just be tryin' to fuck 'em. I mean, I have no PROBLEM fuckin' 'em... they're my friends! But y'know. It's not in the forefront of my mind the way it used to be. I used to ACHE for not banging everyone around me. I STILL wanna bang everyone around me, but now it's wrapped in this "I want everyone around me to be in love" feeling. I'm PROTECTIVE of my friends. I want to be there for them, help them, make them laugh... It's not so much about satisfying ME (or, y'know. It's about satisfying my emotional desires or whatever, as opposed to gettin' off).

I dunno. Not sure where I'm going with this, just free associating. Hey there, Gender-transition journal! This week: Shit feels different!

-343
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