April 29th, 2013

Hippo

Week 76 - it's a mixture of knowledge and sudden fear at every corner

Attended a "women in games" meetup. Been meaning to for a while, but it was nice to finally hit one. Felt okay. Getting a little weird introducing myself as "Travis". It's strange how much of this transition has been the tail wagging the dog.

Like, When I BEGAN, I didn't think I'd bother shaving the soul patch, usin' the ladyroom, gettin' my ID changed... None of that. I reckoned I'd jus' work on girl-body shit, and I'd be good. But every step I've taken in that direction has found me in a more and more comfortable place. I wonder how common it is for transladies to discover they're trans by transitioning. I knew I wanted hormones, and I knew I wanted the girl-body bits. I'm just surprised (and surprised REGULARLY) by doors that I open (but never think I'll step through), doors I step through (but don't expect to stay) and places I find myself (and want to keep going). Dear friends who have always considered me "one of the girls", Co-workers who never suspected I had ever been a boy until someone mentioned my transition... This process has brought about more and more amazing changes than I could have expected.

Buddy of mine I've known since middle school came to visit recently. He misgendered me constantly, but it's generally alright. He's workin' on it, poor dear (and I call HIM a nickname nobody's used since he was a teenager). It made me think about the way things have changed and how they continue to change. I've told people "No, I don't plan to use lady-bathrooms", "No, I don't plan to change my name"... How many more changes lie ahead of me?

Every day is strange for me. Everything is incredibly new.

I was cat-called last week. Had a fella sittin' around in central square say some shit to me about how sexy I am and propositioning me to go over there and sit with him. I declined, but was weirdly flattered. There's gonna come a time when I get to be annoyed. When the harassment and the sexualization and the casual sexist horseshit that comes from being a woman in this society will grate on me and annoy me and tire me and wear me down. For now... I want it. I want all of it. This is who I am. I want to learn what that means.
  • Current Music
    Talib Kweli - Too Late