June 10th, 2013

Hippo

Week 82 - Menopausal AND Spotting (but happy)

So I had myself some major surgery without emotionally processing the fact that I was about to have major surgery. It's weird. I'll catch myself Getting amped about "It's really gonna happen!" then feel a spike of pain and be all "Oh. Right". It's actually kind of scary, the rush of New. Even though I want it, even though I've been workin' on this shit for a long time... there's a nervousness you get sometimes when you're about to cross that threshold. Like when you're getting a new tattoo. Sometimes you get butterflies rigt before the needle touches your skin because now, at this moment, things are about to irrevocably change, and that change will be permanent. Sometimes that can take some mental unpacking. For this, that unpacking is still kind of happening. (The hormone change doesn't help. Things are always a little weird when my meds get changed up.) Anyway, I remember coming out of the anæsthetic... The first words spoken to me were my new name, which is sort of an amazing thing for a nurse to do. <=) Once I'd been checked up on and left there for the mind-fog to clear, I remember repeating to myself "They're gone. They're gone." And I felt a bit of panic. Something had been taken from me. Something I was intimately (very intimately, actually) comfortable with was gone and was never coming back. It's still kind of weird to me. Just because you want something doesn't mean it won't have an impact.

Part of that impact came when I experienced my first hot flash. Couple of weird things I should've expected, going from 6mg of estrogen down to 2... Eventually I might drop all my estrogen. Something about realizing that I was 35 and menopausal hit me alongside the emotional weirdness that always accompanies my meds changing. I experienced... I don't want to say regret... but I felt like I wanted to pump the brakes a little and slow down. Is this what I wanted? I made the joke to my sweetie-pie the other day "I didn't sign up for hot flashes and bone density loss... all I wanted was boobs!". As is usually the case with such things, there's an element of truth to my jokes.

New Driver's license acquired. Fukken' Legit as HELL. Changes. This shit's happening on the weekly. I'll miss all the action in a couple of entries, when there's nothin' much to talk about again. <=) Kinda lookin' forward to that, actually.

-343
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