July 29th, 2013

Hippo

Week 89 - The Avalanche of Novelty and the Navigation Thereof.

A note on the interesting downsides to getting everything you think you want.

When my transition began, I was at a complicated and low point in my life. There were any number of reasons, but they all conspired to form a turning point in my life. This turning point was so significant, I was prepared to upheave almost everything I was familiar with in my life. Thankfully (EXTREMELY thankfully), the transition and associated novel developments have been folded into my pre-transition lifestyle pretty smoothly.

Thing is, Because I determined that the transition HAD to happen (which it did), it empowered me to consider what OTHER patterns could do for re-assessment. It's a strange thing. Any conviction worth having should be scrutinized and re-assessed, I imagine, but yeah. The thing with me is that it's hard to know where to stop. Being in a committed relationship involves compromise and self-sacrifice. it kinda has to. And I KNOW that. I've been in a committed relationship for 13 years. It's just that now, I'm in a position where I'm exploring new stuff and feeling out new territory and it's hard to re-draw lines. Why compromise ANYWHERE? I can just live for myself and do whatever I want! Part of this attitude is fired up by all the hormone rush making me super emotional (read: needy) and part of this is fired up by the dopamine rush of novelty. I tried THIS new thing, and it's awesome! What other new things can I try?

And that's all fine and good... I jus' need to be super-mindful of my sweetie. She's not driving this stuff. She's along for the ride, and there's a certain amount of powelessness that comes from that. I didn't drink before my transition. Didn't smoke. Didn't drug. DIdn't non-monogamy.

Life is amassive. I'm not usedto being the responsible one, but I need to be more exceptionally careful.

-343
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