August 12th, 2013

Hippo

Week 91 - CodBlops and other Insufficient Metaphors

Still not talking to my folks much. Used to chat with 'em every week. Gettin' easier to skip weeks than to stress about gettin' misgendered/misnamed. Never even told my brother I had a new name. Mebbie when I catch up with him on his birthday I'll say something to him.

It's an incredibly strange time in my life, these days. The shock and weirdness of the transition is dying down to routine, the scars of unemployment just about paid off from the new job... But when the determination to transition was made, a number of things broke, and putting them back together has taken (is continuing to take) lots of pain, stress, and tears from myself and my sweetiepie. We feel very much like there are no rulebooks for what we're going through and no online communities or whatever have been a lot of help. So we're tryin' to wing it, keeping the lumbering, complicated machine of our relationship aloft with love and patience and work.

It's not JUST about sexuality (My sweetie's never been anything other than straight), though that's doubtless a part of it. There's a lot of factors working to tear us apart, and sometimes we have the "Why are we together?" conversation. Comes down to the fact that we WANT to be together, I suppose.

And the answers don't come easily and the steps backwards burn fiercely, but we're both trying. I feel like a complete jerk, puttin' my sweetie through this. Why should I get to take and take and take? But there's still sorting out between wants and needs.

Wonder how much of this is Mid-Life Crisis type shit. Kinda funny that no-one's accused me of that, yet.

I've got things better than I deserve. I jus' hope I can help my sweetie-pie get everything she wants, too.

Or, y'know, that we each get as much as we can with what we've got. Poor girl's still stuck with me, after all. <=)

-343
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    A Band of Bees - No Trophy