September 30th, 2013


Week 98 - She Called Me "Popular"

Not sure when this happened, or if it's actually transition related, but I've become more socially... capable. There was a version of me a couple years ago that was paralyzed by the idea of being in a group of five people. I wouldn't know how to handle myself, I'd feel panic set in... and I don't feel that way any more. I can go to new places now. Hang out with people I've never met. I've done that quite a bit recently, and it hasn't been too bad. I've felt comfortable in large crowds; even not saying anything! Just being there was okay.

It's not always that it was FEAR dissuading me from socializing... Some of it was irritation. I used to have a terrifically short fuse. If I was around new people and they weren't interesting to me or making me laugh, I would get bored easily. It was horrifically superficial and shitty of me, but there I was. Lead a horse to water, I suppose. I was used to having a very small number of very close friends. And my close friends are still DEAR to me. Being with my sweetie-pie or being with my close friends... that recharges me. But new people... I think I've developed a richer sense for listening. Letting situations play out the way they WANT to play out. Time and time again with people, places, new ideas... If I push past the initial shock or fear or distrust, I usually like what's on the other side.

Part of it's self-sustaining, I'm sure. The more scary unknown stuff you undertake, the more scary, unknown stuff you feel capable of.

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