Pygmalion Gislebertus (110_weeks) wrote,
Pygmalion Gislebertus

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Week 92 - Ridin' Six White Horses

Got into a heavy conversation with the misses. She wanted to use my old name in a twitter anecdote she was relating about me, and I asked that she not do so. This caused a cascading worse-and-worse discussion. It's hard to GIVE her things, and I feel guilty for all I'm taking (and have taken).

I've mentioned the name stuff plenty of times before. I don't MIND her using my old name. There's a comfort in it, and a familiarity I don't want to lose. I don't have the same relationship with my old name that a lotta transladies do. For whatever reason, it bugged me for her to use my old name in just that context. I don't introduce myself as my old name (and neither does she)... I dunno WHY it bugged me. Something about her using my old name in ways that people who don't know me could see set me off. Got me thinking about what things I COULD offer her.


On an almost completely unrelated note, orgasms are FUKKEN difficult. Doesn't matter how wonderfully ideal the situation is, shit just takes TIME. And effort. And concentration. I read one translady's sex experience had become more of a "once I'm in the mood, I work that feeling into a comfy, nice feeling plateau, then I snuggle a bunch". Pretty consistent with how I'm doing things. Having been a dude most of my life, it's INCREDIBLY weird to experience the feeling of masturbating for a while, then getting distracted or whatever, and not being interested any more. It's not that I lose interest in SEX. I just lose the energy and focus to sit there maintaining the erection and working towards orgasm. The orgasms I HAVE are still spectacular, and they're great to have if I can get 'em, but Gah, SO MUCH WORK.

And it's not a concern for ME, really. I'm comfortable and happy self-abusing if I feel it and not if I don't... But it's embarassing if I'm WITH someone and I can't make th' fireworks happen. I mean, I'm sure no one gives a shit but me... I'm just... I'm still hung up on my old boy-perspective notion that orgasm = Good times, and no orgasm = Unfulfilling sex. It's a bullshit poisonous mentality, I know, but when orgasms were a dime a dozen, they WERE an easy marker for me. They were so easy, there wasn't much point in NOT having one.

My sweetie consoled me with "Sex isn't orgasm and orgasm isn't sex. Welcome to womanhood".

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