Pygmalion Gislebertus (110_weeks) wrote,
Pygmalion Gislebertus
110_weeks

  • Music:

Week 99: You'll always be our Son

Hung out the other day with a buddy I met online. Homeboy jus' had his top surgery (transdude) and it was cool to catch up with him. I noticed that, in an anecdote he was telling me, he said something awkward that drove home the pronoun use. "Not the kind of thing a boy like myself would be into" or some such. I don't even know if it was something anyone else would have noticed, but I picked up on it. It's the kind of thing I say. Reinforcing my own identity to drive the point home to anyone nearby... and partially a little bit of repeating it to myself so as to say "this is real. This is actually happening". I'm glad i was able to meet him. Glad I was able to see that resonance. Lotta value in fellowship.

This afternoon, I heard myself laugh when something made me guffaw. The sound I made was a spot-on imitation of my dad's laugh. I'm very much my father's child in many many respects. I've got his laugh, I've got his sense of humour. There's a lot of echoes of the man I see in myself. It's just that in many ways, I'm terrified of being my father. Part of it might just be adolescent rebellion I never got over. Maybe that's why my hands have arrows on them (he has _exactly_ my hands). I don't know. I just know that I don't want to be him. And I violently don't want to be a "him". Maybe part of my anathema is the fact that dad represents manhood in many respects to me. Fathers tend to be a model for manhood, I guess. And as my friends on the internet pointed out, there ARE ladies that take after their fathers...

Maybe it's just too soon to take comfort in that concept.

Maybe it's because I'm terrified that I'm doomed to be him, that one day, all of my transition will be stripped away and I'll be him. Afraid that my destiny is tied up in this man who can't accept me as his daughter, who holds WILDLY disparate convictions. I wish the obvious impossibility of that potentiality was a comfort.

I feel uncomfortable saying "I'm my father's daughter" when I would proudly joke about being his son. But the language isn't equitable. Just as with the boy I hung out with, sometimes my language doesn't quite fit. You can't just fucking SWAP boy-words with girl-words. Doesn't have the right weight to it and there isn't a good counterpart. I ain't a goddamn "Daddy's girl". I just didn't fall far from the tree. I want to celebrate the positive elements of the fella that he and I have in common. It just raises obvious discomforts where I want as much distance as possible.

Somtimes I don't like to hear myself laugh.

-343
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