Pygmalion Gislebertus (110_weeks) wrote,
Pygmalion Gislebertus
110_weeks

Week 103 - when I'm emperor

Things still kinda suck with the parents. Insisting that they use my name and pronouns is apparently a shitty thing to burden them with. I'm not sweet about correcting them? Apparently they're having a hard time with my transition. I can't say too much more about 'em 'cuz who gives a fuck.

MORE interesting than my parent's willful ignorance is noticing myself fucking up my own gendered language. For cis chicks, it doesn't seem to matter when folks say "hey, guys!" etc. But I have a really tin ear for that sort of thing. I'm constantly aware of any use of "dude" or "man" or "guys" when the speaker is referring to me. I KNOW it's used to refer to a general populace and that gendering isn't intended, but I'm sensitive to that shit. Anyway, that's the framework I'm working in. So it's kinda difficult to explain what it means to me when I misgender MYSELF. Like, This is shit I'm used to, sure, but I GET TO BE A WOMAN now. I don't need to call myself anyone's "son" or "husband" or "man" or whatever. And it bugs the fuck out of me when I catch myself for multiple reasons. One, I that's not what I want for myself. I don't want anyone thinking of me as a dude. You hear me call myself something it's a lot easier to presume that's my preference. I've fukken introduced myself to strangers as my old name! It's weird and I hate it. Mad at my brain for falling back on the patterns I've used my whole life and mad at myself for making such a big deal about such a simple mistake.

-343
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