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18 November 2013 @ 06:48 pm
Week 105 - Daughter in Law  
My mother in law finally got the news. The conversation my wife didn't want to have with her mom was predicated by my receipt of a sweet birthday card addressed to my old name. Feels.

I wasn't SURPRISED to see that my transition hadn't been mentioned. I presumed that if it had come up, I'd have known about it. Still, it hurt. Dredged up lots of old wounds. Deep fears that my sweetie's ashamed of me, or that she's holding onto a notion of how she'd PREFER me to be. All kinds of shit. Really, more than anything, it's just a hard fucking conversation to have. And I GET it. I don't have that kind of relationship with my folks either... and it's not like I can just say "if it was ME...", 'cuz It AIN'T me. She's got a lotta baggage wrapped up in everything, too. Not just with me, but with her relationship with her mom. Shit's complicated.

One of the things we discussed was that with this issue (and with lots of relationship issues), there isn't a neutral stance. I wanted to give her the space, let her tell her mom at her own pace... But I couldn't make that shit NOT hurt. She either drops the T-bomb on her moms (to unpredictable and potentially horrific response) or she doesn't bring it up and tries to keep everything "cool", resulting in me gettin' more bummed out.

Relationships are an interesting tug of war between taking and giving. How much can you tolerate giving up? How much can you tolerate hurting your partner when you take? I guess a lot of long-term relationships get that shit out of the way reasonably early. Maybe? Are people so consistent that it's rare for potential dealbreakers to crop up late into a marriage? I mean, I guess surprises are just met by divorce a lot of times... I really don't know. Fundamentally, I was COOL takin' that hit for my sweetie. I've put that woman through an incredible lot and I know she's worked really hard to sail these seas with me.

It's frustrating sometimes that shit's not easier. It's just that the reward keeps being worth the struggle.

-343