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02 December 2013 @ 09:32 pm
Week 107 - Not the Same  
Had some heavy thoughts recently. I want to preface this entry with a reminder that everything here is just my personal experiences and that this journal isn't a "trans people experience this".

So one of the narratives I've heard when explaining the trans experience to folks is the idea of "I'm still the same person". Like, you shouldn't worry too much about my transition because I'm just getting the outside to match the inside. For me, personally? Not the case. I'm a very different person now. Gonna do some unpacking here.

I didn't know what to expect from my transition. Going in, none of the common "trapped in the body of a boy" stuff resonated. I didn't hate my genitals, didn't really MIND being male. At the risk of coming across as flippant, the closest metaphor I considered was that of a body mod. Like, tattoos are permanent changes, they have sociocultural implications, they're rad as hell and make me more comfortable in my own skin. That's how I felt about my transition. I wanted my body shaped differently (read: bewbs). I felt better about myself when I dressed femme, but I didn't need to be a lady for that. Honestly, I'm a little bummed out that wearing hose and heels and skirts isn't subversive anymore!

Anyway, blahblahblah, point is that I came to this process in a nontraditional way, so that might inform my reactions.

But yeah. Not the same person. And I think it's good to not EXPECT trans people to be unchanged by the process. Hell, the POINT here is change. I react to emotions differently. I cry. Not just because I'm upset, but also because I love my sweetie pie, or because a dog was being cute or whatever. My tastes are different. I used to despise any kind of hot fruit, and last week I had apple pie and loved it! I don't KNOW what foods I like or don't. Sexually, my tastescape has changed a lot... I used to prefer ladies pretty strongly over gentlemen, now I don't feel as though my attraction to folks is informed by gender at ALL. Gender's become weirdly meaningless. Also, I'm not as interested in straight up fuckin' like I used to be. Much more of a cuddler. And I mean, it's not like I define myself by the way I canoodle, but these are all part of this character portrait. My point being: my character sheet's different.

I don't think I'm so changed as to require all of my buddies to reassess whether they know me... But I'm unambiguously NOT "the same, only a girl".

-343